my eating problems

second page

my eating disorder poetry

eating disorder links

most people don't know this but i have been having a problem with my eating. i have always viewed myself as fat, ever since i was a little kid when peers would laugh me because i looked bigger and therefore a bit fatter. also, my father used to say i was fat when he had me alone. so never had a correct perception of myself.

i decided to start and diet by the time i was 12 and i reduced my eating to having less than an orange a day. i know that isn't very much and i am not proud that i did that. at one point i only weighed 92 when i was 15 but i never told anyone what i was doing. i was always angry at myself because i thought i still looked fat. some people would say i was on the way to becoming an anorexic, because i did lose my menstral period for a few months. i did get the menstration back but i really limited what i could eat for a very long time.

when i went to RJC, i still limited myself in what i ate and i was never anymore than 110lbs. that continued until i was in university. my depression took a hold of me and i started eating more and more.

i soon was eating all the time, day and night, and i gained weight. at one time, i weighed close to 200lbs. that is when i started to go on a diet.

i still feel like i am fat and i am still restricting what i eat a lot of the time. everyone says i look good and healthy but i don't feel that way at all. in fact, i feel oboese and why would anyone take the time of day to care about me? so i really restrict myself in what i consume and am automatically counting the calories every time i consume. i now force myself to eat because if i don't, i wouldn't ever eat. i have been losing weight and i have been proud of it, but at the same time i feel reall ashamed because i am going back into my old eating habits. UGH! i don't know what to do.

i know this is a battle i am going to live with for the rest of my life. and i will win over it and that is the main thing. i do have poetry on my eating problem and i will slowly share it over time.

june 2004


this image is to represent possibly triggering. take care of yourself as you look through these links.


Sign my Guestbook from Bravenet.com Get your Free Guestbook from Bravenet.com