I am writing about the abuse as a part of the Speak Out for myself, but I am speaking out for all the women and men, adults and children and infants, who cannot speak out yet.

Hi! I am miquie's crew, and I am **** years old. And if you have not noticed, I really like sports. If I am not playing them, I am at least watching them. I like to play ice and floor hockey. In ice hockey, I play right forward usually, and in floor hockey, I usually play goal. I participate in Tae Kwon Do/Karate and I really enjoy it. I try to play soccer, when I can, and I play in the position of the halfback. I also bike when it is in season.

Now on to a more serious nature. I have come from an abusive family. My father had physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally abused me and the rest of my family. He had started to abuse me around the age of four and it continued up to the age of sixteen when I left home to go to a different school. i am also a survivor of sadistic ritual abuse that happened during the rest of the abuse.

When I was at this new school I told a counsellor what my father had done to me and she began to help me get my life back. I am slowly regaining the knowledge of who I am and what kind of a person I want to be.

I abused myself by not eating and going from a weight of 120 pounds to 92 pounds when I was fifteen, I have cut myself, done drug overdoses and I have jumped off a bridge. yes, and i have lived to tell you all about it. i have the scars and the memory. depression has been a part of me for a while and i have been dealing with that too.

Before I went to RJC, I was even abused in the school setting. People said sexist remarks about me, put me down and really degraded me. There was this one group of people who said things, such as:
"Do you hear the dog barking" - refering to me following them.
"Do you hear it?" "yep." -the thing was they were in all of my classes.
"There is a 'Kling On' near us. Do you see it?"
Others laughed at me, made jokes about me, separated me out from everyone else - I always ate lunch by myself in a corner. i tried to be a part of the groups but i was always looked down upon if i did that. I was punched, knocked down, etc. This happened from grade four/five until I was done grade ten. And I left that school. I still feel very bad about they did to me. but that isn't stopping me from continuing on in my life.

As for my mom and I, we get along. for a while though i didn't know where she would fit in to the picture, because she was living with dad and all of that. i found it hard to confide in her, when she lived with dad. She found out about the abuse when I went to the police and told the police. My mom and dad found out that I had pressed charges against him and my mom drove up to Rosthern and she was absolutely PISSED off. Well I was supposed to have gone to a conference with the Girls Chorus from RJC but I decided to just stay in saskatoon with some people I knew. It was very stressful and my mom and I still can't talk. I tried on many occassions to talk to her but she just would not believe me. She still doesn't and that is the hard part. I have admitted to myself that my mom and I won't have a relationship if she is still living with my father. She just would not admit what had happened to me. Well there is more of my life and you now know a bit more than before.

When I was at RJC, I was supposed to have gone to a preliminary, before the court trial, midway through my grade twelve year. The date was set for Monday, December 4th, 1995, at 9:00am in Rosetown. A week before the prelim, everything was called off, then two days later, called back on, and three days before the prelim again, it was called off and the charges were stayed for a year. My mind was going through circles. "Yes, it's on - No, it's off - Yes, it's on - No, it's off. Will somebody make up their MINDS!!!" If you didn't noticed, I was becoming a little bit annoyed! Even now I am still annoyed. The reason why they called off the prelim was that I was not ready. I was confused. Well, from the time I put in a police statement and it was taped, I had another 40 or so memories. Tell me, how was I supposed to have kept each incident to a 'T', when I had so many going through my head? UUUGGGHHH!!!

I still talk to that counsellor every once in a while. I, also, go to a safe place for other women who were sexually abused as a child and I am able talk, sleep, cry, do creative work there and much, much more. My poems usually begin there and I go home and I finish them (or else my poems begin in late evening and I have to stay up and write them).

Now I have to deal with issues by writing about them and talking to others about any problems I may be dealing with about the abuse that occured when I was younger.

Since I have left home, I have been moved from house to house for two years. The year of '96, after I graduated, I moved in to a half a duplex with one other woman and I did the Room and Board thing. I stayed there for almost eight months, and the rest of the other woman's family moved up at the end of eight months and I felt ready to move out on my own. So, I moved out and I have been at this one place for six months, approximately.

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